I stood outside looking out the window at the traffic on the street. Trying to figure out how we get here. A person who was my confidant had become someone I only communicated with via legal counsel. I stood looking out that window trying to figure out how this new twist in my life story is going to affect the rest of the book. My lawyer turned to me and said, “Ok it looks like since you will be awarded full custody, your child support payment of $3,100 will begin next month. Just sign here.” I immediately became relieved. Relieved that I will have some financial support. I could buy a better house, get a newer car, and afford to save more toward my retirement. Life was going to be ok. Then I did something very few people can do. I got honest with myself. You know, the kind of honest moment that only you and your creator ever know about.
I realized the money was really for me. My lifestyle improvement. Then I thought about him. What if he were to get remarried? It would be a financial burden on his new wife. What if they wanted to have more kids? Why would I want to take away what he so rightly earns for himself? The desire to affect that is bitterness. All these questions came to my mind. But in thinking of myself I thought about my quality of life. What about my social life, dating, vacations? When was I going to have the time to do anything? Being a full time mom was going to be hard and tiring. Why was I willing to put all the other parts of my life that I enjoy up for sale? And why was I putting it on the clearance rack?!
More questions came, honesty wouldn’t stop. Honesty kept hitting me. Why did I want to build a life for myself dependent on what my children’s father does for me? Seems like a type of bondage. Then that honest moment came and took the breath out of my body. I was putting more faith in what he can do for me than I can do for myself. Am I really such a weak woman that I can’t earn enough to build a life for myself without another man’s assistance? What if he stops paying, gets laid off, or just pays late? That would affect me negatively because I have made him a principal apart of my foundation.
As I walked over to sign the custody agreement I thought of my children. I have loved and cared for them with all that was in me. No one could love them like me. Honesty came and slapped me again. That’s not true. Their father love is equal to mine. Equal, the word kept playing over in my head. Where is it written that my role as their mother is more important than his role as a father? It’s not, his role is in fact equally important. I don’t want to rob them of such an important figure. That’s me being resentful. That’s not me loving them sincerely.
So I refused to sign the custody agreement and I proposed my own. I decided to not have any financial agreement and just have the children the same amount of time I did. We rotate the children every week. I was surprised on how much research has been done to show how good it is for children with this arrangement.
The absence of any financial ties make the relationship positive and healthy. We both have separate lives. I enjoy the company of his new wife. There is no jealousy at all. His step children come and spend the night over my house. It’s amazing how much money can destroy a family dynamic. The interesting thing is my finances have more than doubled since my decision. I am depending truly on me and I know what I am made of. Everything I have is because of me.
I understand that not every person can have this arrangement. Not all fathers are willing to be part of their child’s lives like that but many are. So mothers, if your children have a father who wants just as much time as you, ask yourself won’t you allow it. I encourage you to have that honest moment. Who is the child support really for?
Unfortunately, when that honest moment comes, most women won’t be honest enough to admit it’s not only just for the kids. If it’s not, then say no. Say you can provide just as good a life as the father and let him be a father. Give him the same amount of time to love your children and put their well- being before everything. That means you have to be devoid of anger, bitterness, jealousy and resentment because those emotions will block your bout with honesty that ultimately forces you to look at yourself, remove the shackles and be free.
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June 11, 2014 at 9:55 am
Such a win/win article. Refreshing to see the discussion without athe vitriolic finger pointing but instead introspective self-analysis and evaluation of how best to serve the needs of the children. Certainly it doesn’t work for everyone but its so refreshing to see this viewpoint as part of the discussion.
June 13, 2014 at 10:32 am
“Am I really such a weak woman that I can’t earn enough to build a life for myself without another man’s assistance?”
I think this statement in this article could have been phrased differently. If you have a parent that does to be as equally responsible for raising the children playing an active role in their lives and provide a financially equivalent lifestyle that they offer themselves why wouldnt you put them on child support? This phrase is what leads men to call some women “gold diggers” or “money hungry” Child support maybe in your case was not a necessity. But in a majority of circumstances please understand that child support and its rules have changed over the past few years to help economically. If you can financially afford to provide for your children than by all means do not sign and go ahead. But please understand that some women like myself – working full time raising children alone, continuing my education without government assistance are alittle tired of women jumping on section 8 foodstamps and medicaid and not holding the other parent accountable just so they are not called a “gold digger” or a “weak woman”
July 10, 2014 at 9:53 am
Great article! Seems to me in a lot of cases, child support is a tool for revenge. With the custody agreement being changed to 50/50 is a bold move, and should be the norm. The fact that this was only the case due to the mother offering it, is indicative of how the court views the necessity of fathers in their child’s life. As a dad with minority stake in the a custody order 70/30 I wanted 50/50 so I could be a father. My daughter has my money but not my time. Me being a father is much more important than any amount of money I give to her mother. The reality is I rarely see my daughter and it isn’t for lack of effort on my part.
Many men I know gripe about child support not for the inconvenience, but because it seems like that is what is most important to the mother. Every conversation between parents is dominated by money, and in all of those situation the mother will withhold the child from their father.
Incidentally, the choice to be independent of mandated support opens you up for genuine support from the other parent, which will come naturally in a true 50/50 co-parenting situation. Great article, I with is had more than the 10k views it currently has
March 8, 2015 at 5:00 pm
You are completely ignoring one segment of the divorced population – the abused and battered mothers and their children. It is articles like this that seem to give the abusive men the stronghold they need to deny children the basic necessities in life (like food, clothing, shelter). If you are able to provide independently then that is great. Do not deny the millions of children of low income single mothers the ability to have a quality of life above poverty. To do so is extremely unfair to millions. Not all women are out for the ever loving dollar. Some just want the sanctity that comes from not walking on eggshells every day and the ability to give a safe life to their children.