Ladies, Sisters, Girlfriends, and Fellow Divas,
How many times have we found ourselves unwilling participants in a love triangle you never knew existed?! While we all know the high road is to address the vortex (the man), there are those times when we somehow end up face-to-face with the other woman and have no choice except to address her as the competition.
Now, the first decision to be made is do we really want him and the relationship. As women, before we engage in conflict over a man, we need to examine the man in question and decide if there is any sound reason not to just turn our noses up and walk away with a triumphant “hmmmph, boy please!!” Once this assessment is made, the next step is how to deal with this “other woman.” Here’s my approach.
Listening to her story and comparing notes on his countless lies is rarely a productive process. Understand she is not your friend; she’s an adversary after the same thing you’re after. So while the intel she provides may be accurate, her motivation and delivery are nearly always tainted. Not listening, flying off the handle, and ending up in some explosive exchange of insults is equally counterproductive (God forbid you actually allow yourself to be antagonized into fisticuffs action). All this does is make her dig in her heels for a long, treacherous, and dirty fight.
The “other woman” is already used to compromise, so there’s no telling how low she’ll stoop in her efforts to one up you. What I’ve learned that works best is having an honest conversation about where you are with the situation, making it clear that you have no intention on standing down, moving around, or acting a clown. Don’t divulge too much detail about your relationship. Simply tell her what needs to be said in order for her to understand that you have the upper hand. You must make her feel powerless, clueless, and meaningless in his eyes…even when he has quite possibly done the opposite.
If you are truly the wife, live-in, mother of his children, or possess any form of seniority, you must hold your cards to chest…especially the trump card!!! Coerce her into playing into your hands and at every turn, promote your victory, even if it was a rough battle. Never lose your cool or confidence, and by all means, do not allow him to manipulate the situation through divide and conquer. Know that if he’s been found out, this will be his first defense. Attach stronger accountability to him with strict consequences, and make sure she knows that the limited access she has is all your doing.
Finally, (and maybe this should have been first) your position with her should be one of “innocent until proven guilty.” Maybe she was misled and lied to about his relationship status. It happens. However, once you all bump heads, no matter how this chance encounter came about, she now knows the truth and needs to move forward in it. You are now in a position to scrutinize her integrity; no longer can she hide under the cloud of being deceived. Continue to shine your light bright. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you have some definite damage control issues to work out, but that’s another story.
You’ve followed the steps outlined above and eliminated the competition. Now, you’re free to focus on healing and restoration.
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