Last week I addressed the fellas, now on to my ladies. Girls, I just have to say it; this friends with benefits thing is a fail in the grand scheme of things. I realize we live in the day and age of “I am woman hear me roar,” “I love me,” “I’m getting mine,” “A girl got needs,” etc. But if we would really keep it 100% real with ourselves, we don’t want to just be a physical release outlet for our “buddies”…do we? Ok, so we’re busy with careers and kids, so we’re up to our eyeballs with the lies and games, I understand you like your own personal space, and you’re so over having a man all up in your whole life trying to run things. Still, that does not mean we should sell out for less than what we deserve?
I know somewhere out there is a sister or two with a testimonial of how this works and works well; I get it and I believe you. However, as I stated to the gentlemen, the statistics are low. I say this with full confidence because if I’ve heard one, “she said she was cool with us just being friends and letting me hit, then she started tripping” story, I’ve heard a hundred! We are not built to separate sex from emotion girls, know matter how empowering the concept sounds. (I too wish it were true!)
Ladies who believe you are capable of such, then I challenge you to release your friend and his benefits; try only having sex with men who are physically attractive and nothing else. Spend no time trying to get to know anything more than what you need to know to get him in bed…get back to me in six months and tell me “how you really feel.” I beat the dead horse of women and the sexual emotional link because in the argument of friends with benefits, we have to take that emotion with us. This man you’re sharing your bed with is already someone you’ve your shared life with in many other ways. Why deceive yourself into believing you won’t develop an even stronger bond? You’ve been there for one another through every adversity and struggle in your lives; he’s protected you, when the jerk booty boyfriend acted up, provided for you when your funds were low, laughed with and at you when you’ve done something silly, and held you when you needed to shut the world out. Now you’re sleeping together and you don’t see how the ties that bind you are 10x’s stronger? It’s the natural progression of things; no need to try to suppress or deny it.
Girlfriends, if he’s really your friend, how do you know he has not always wanted more? If you’ve painted him in the friend zone corner and only reach for him when you need or want something then you’re just as much a part of the problem as the typical womanizer. Toying with a man’s mind and affections by stringing him along is not only a dangerous game, but its classless as well. We have reverted to the acceptance of casual sex as a defense mechanism to guard our hearts from the plethora of relationship issues we’ve faced. In actuality, we not guarding our hearts by engaging in such, we’re suffocating them. Yes, we have to learn and grow strong from past mistakes and failure; but it does not mean we abandon the real goal. It may be true that we can’t beat them, but it’s pointless to try join them! This friends with benefits things presents too great of a compromise for us and if he were truly your friend he wouldn’t encourage you to abandon your desires for true love, monogamy, and life together in exchange for being his homey, lover, friend.
Friends with benefits rarely benefits both friends. Maintaining the proper balance is nearly impossible and someone almost always gets hurts. Most often times we do unrepairable damage to friendships that were otherwise flawless; it’s not a win, win. It’s a lose, lose! The only way the friends with benefits model really works is when both friends stay open to the possibility of growth and development. Friends with benefits can be a foundation, but it is not a full structure. Like all benefits packages you must put in the work and time to get the maximum return, the set up is not ever permanent, it’s subject to changes by the provider, and the only way the beneficiary gets the big pay out is when someone gets seriously hurt or dies! Thanks but no thanks.
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