He had her at hello:
Keisha found herself gazing up at the tall man and smiling like a school girl as he went on about the new exhibit in town. She suddenly realized she’d been holding her breath, transfixed on his smooth skin and pearly white teeth until he finally asked her if she’d like to accompany him to the History Museum on Saturday.
After she agreed and contact information was exchanged, Matt didn’t just excuse himself to mingle, much to the chagrin of the other ladies in the happy hour crowd. He actually sat with her, paid for her drinks and bought them both some appetizers. During that time she found out that he’s gainfully employed, has no children, has never been married, lives in a nice part of town and shares her love of sushi and her belief that En Vogue was better than Destiny’s Child.
At the end of the evening, he walks her to her car and although she wouldn’t have been opposed to it, he doesn’t attempt a goodbye kiss but instead gives her a warm hug which she prayed would never end.
Code Violation:
The next day at lunch with her girlfriend Jackie, Keisha patiently waits until Jackie finished her rundown on the four guys she’s dated in the two weeks since they last saw each other then Keisha tells Jackie about her night and the amazing man she met. “Matt? He sounds familiar what does he look like?” Jackie ask, so Keisha proudly show her the picture she took of him for her iPhone contact.
Jackie’s smile morphs into a self-satisfied smirk before she blurts out, “girl I dated him four years ago. Lucky you showed me this picture before you went out with him. You almost broke the Girl Code.”
“Yeah, lucky me” Keisha thinks to herself as she reluctantly text Matt the bad news that she won’t be able to see him again then begins to visualize another Saturday of organizing her closet.
What just happened here happens far too often. Boy meets girl, girl dumps boy, boy meets perfect girl, girl code blocks, nobody lives happily ever after. For those of you lucky enough to have never heard of or been victimized by the “Girl Code” it’s a ridiculous notion that if a woman has ever dated a particular man, he is forever off limits to all of her friends regardless of her current circumstance. In other words, she can be married with five children, living in Juno, Alaska but you better not even think about dating the guy who took her to see New Jack City in her junior year of high school.
Bros before Hoes:
The Girl Code is the polar opposite of the guy’s credo of “Bros before Hoes,” which means, regardless of who we date, and who dated who first, we’re still going to be friends. Guys figure once it’s over it’s over. They’ll wish their friend good luck and warn him that her baked chicken sucks. A perfect example of that is shown on VH1’s reality show Love n Hip Hop Atlanta where Benzino is engaged to a former lover of best friend Stevie J. The two friends discussed their current situation and Stevie J wished Benzino and his new found love well without skipping a beat.
Women on the other hand feel some sense of ownership when it comes to past relationships. The woman who once dated him feels some warped sense of entitlement and the woman who wants to date him feels some weird obligation to defer to her friend’s wishes.
Rationalizations and Justifications:
Many women can’t even explain why they obey the Girl Code they just know it’s a hard and fast rule so they blindly adhere to it. The Girl Code is so engrained in women that in a recent social media discussion, the vast majority of women said they would date a convicted felon or a man with multiple children by multiple women before they would date one of their girlfriend’s former boyfriends. Occasionally, some will attempt to explain the code with reasons such as:
“I don’t want my friends to be with my leftovers.” Excuse me? Women are always calling foul when men objectify them but they get to call a former boyfriend her “leftovers?” That speaks to her sense of proprietorship when it comes to past relationships. He’s a man that you dated once upon a time not your leftovers or your anything for that matter.
“He had sex with my friend. That’s just nasty.” So a guy who had sex with your friend is nasty but a guy who’s had sex with random faceless women is okay? If you travel in the same circles you’re going to encounter some of the same people over time. Let’s take this to its logical conclusion. If you have ten friends and they all dated twenty guys, that’s 200 guys who are off limits to you. I’m willing to bet that out of 200 guys, at least one of them could make you happy.
“My friend says she’s moved on but what if she still secretly want’s him?” You’re not Professor X. It’s not your job to read your friend’s mind. If she’s keeping it a secret from you that’s completely on her.
Okay, keep calm. You may keep your Girl Code in principle because there are legitimate reasons for its implementation such as; if your girlfriend still has serious feelings for the man in question be it love, hate or fear and of course if they share children it would be pretty weird. We just want to suggest some modifications to it such as:
Puppy love:
There’s a good reason why juvenile records are usually expunged when the perpetrators reach adulthood. We generally consider actions taken by children to be irrelevant. Similarly, the Girl Code should not apply to any couple who dated while they were under the age of 18. Puppy love is no good reason to block the potential for a real life adult connection.
Forsaking all others:
The most egregious offenders are married women. A women who has vowed to forsake all others in favor of her husband then gets salty at her long suffering single girlfriend for daring to date one of the very guys she vowed to forsake, even though she knows in her heart of hearts that her ex and her so called friend would be perfect for each other. That’s taking self-centeredness to a new level. Once that ring is securely in place you should lose all Girl Code privileges.
Poop or get off the pot:
If a woman calls a Girl Code violation, said woman should be obligated to initiate contact with the male in question for the expressed purpose of attempting to rekindle their past relationship. Failure to initiate contact after one week should be grounds to void her Girl Code privileges.
Three date minimum:
Okay, I’ll admit the number three is random but the point is before a guy is eliminated from the dating pool he should have at least been in a full blown relationship with the friend and not just a couple of get acquainted dates.
Better to ask for forgiveness than permission:
At the end of the day, nobody should have authority over who you choose to date. Two single, grown people in a free society have a right to pursue happiness and the last thing we need are pointless rules to derail our happiness or self-centered pseudo friends casting shade on your attempts to find love. The fact is, we only ask a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage as a courtesy so why on Earth would we give credence to an ex?. If you have a strong attraction like Keisha had for Matt, you owe it to yourself to take the plunge. Jackie will get over it, if she’s a true friend.
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August 4, 2014 at 9:30 am
This is a sentiment I have expressed OFTEN using the very logic you used here Augustus. If as a female all your female friends since high school could count all the men they dated as off limits that’s hundreds of men forbidden to you by someone who claims no interest in them anymore. Women don’t have to worry about guys screwing them over, they’re doing quite well sabotaging themselves.
August 5, 2014 at 9:58 am
Thoroughly enjoyed this article but I had not a clue “The Girl Code” had these many restrictions That makes it a little too complicated in a lot of instances and and who needs that. When it’s all said and done how you really feel about a person wins out over everything even the code. I hope this educates us as women to kinda do what the brothers do in some cases. Live and let live.
August 8, 2014 at 9:08 am
Augie, you spelled it out perfectly. As women we have to wake up and realize that we shoot ourselves in the foot, which is why we’re losing the race and crippled in matters of intimacy. All these textbook definitions, rules of engagement, and unspoken guidelines are what causes us to implode on ourselves. This “girl code” nonsense is not only catty its covetous. When we learn to deal with each relationship in our lives on an individual basis for what its worth, we’ll see greater success.